To Gai or not to Gai
by silvablaze
Summary: CRACKFIC: Flatulence is the oldest form of art…seriously, music has never sounded so good…and no,this has nothing to do with the fic...


**To Gai or not to Gai**

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**Disclaimer: Flatulence is the oldest form of art…seriously, music has never sounded so good…and no, I don't own Naruto.**

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The guy in a green jumpsuit watched the other, larger, guy in a green jumpsuit lean sexily against a lamp post, smile charmingly at a woman, say something witty and get his ass kicked.

The woman had seen a creepy old guy in a green jumpsuit leaning against a pole for support, trying to get something old of his teeth and verbally assaulting her somehow _before_ she kicked his ass… though all he said was, "Hey there."

Rock Lee smiled, tears filling his eyes.

He was sure Gai sensei had known he was watching and that the terrible beating he had just received was somehow part of the courting process.

Yeah, the lady stomping away was obviously playing hard to get.

Rock Lee gazed across the street at his love who, after looking around carefully, tugged at her undies that had gone to a place they shouldn't.

He sighed. Did Sakura know he was alive? If she did, did it matter? Was he just the fly in the Irishman's beer that got its little ass kicked and was forced to spit the beer back out? What did that metaphor have to do with anything?

Sakura was across the street. All he had to do was go over there and talk to her about the springtime of youth or something…

He decided to walk over to the woman he loved………….and got run over by a speeding car.

Sakura stared.

"What the-"

When did they get a road?

The stream of dust left by the car reformed and spelled out, **'Sorry, in a hurry. You'll be fine, shake it off.'**

Yes, all that.

Sakura swore, shaking her fist at the car that was now leaving its trail of dust on the third mountain to the right. A little more…too far, now just turn your head alittle… Good. Right there.

"There are no cars in this world stupid!" She shouted.

"How'd you know what that thing was called?" a bystander whose nametag conveniently said 'Joey' asked.

"Well, it's pretty obvious. I mean, it just _looks_ like a 'car'. Particularly, a Subaru Imprezza XLR… I think. Just drawing at straws here…"

"Are you sure it wasn't more of a Cadillac?" A bystander whose nametag conveniently said 'Ann' asked.

Sakura looked stricken, "WHAT?! They don't even look _remotely_ alike!"

"How would you know?" a bystander whose nametag conveniently said 'Ann' retorted.

"I feel it in my bones," Sakura said dryly. "Now if you'll shut up and keep your ignorance to yourselves-" She walked toward Lee. "-I'm off to meet Sasuke and Naruto."

She walked over Lee and-

"Hey!"

She turned, "Yeah?"

They pointed at Lee.

She nodded, "You're right…someone should really get him off the road."

"Shouldn't you like…heal him or something?" a bystander whose nametag conveniently said 'Ann' asked.

Sakura looked at Rock Lee.

"Why? He doesn't look that bad."

Rock Lee's leg was somehow, er, no one knows how, now protruding from his stomach and he seemed to be doing a previously unknown form of yoga.

"Looks like he's achieving inner peace," Sakura said, poking him with a stick that a bystander whose nametag conveniently said 'Joey' handed her.

"Uh…well…he's kinda…_dying_," a bystander whose name conveniently said 'Ann' tried to explain.

"Oh, right…sure!" Sakura shouted. "'Heal him Sakura, he's _leg's broken_', 'heal him Sakura, he's _dying_', 'heal him Sakura, we aren't _supposed_ to be able to see his liver'…! What about me?! What about _my_ needs?!"

"Er, could you have a tantrum later? That guy kinda owes me twenty bucks," a bystander whose nametag conveniently said 'Joey' said.

"In cash or woodland creatures?" Sakura asked.

"Cash."

"Lend me five?"

"If you heal him now, sure."

In seconds, Lee was on his feet, fully healed and being freshly pummeled by a bystander whose nametag conveniently said 'Joey' for the twenty bucks he owed him.

A full minute later, Sakura shook hands with a bystander whose nametag conveniently said 'Joey' and waving goodbye to a twitching, black, blue and green Rock Lee, made her way to the Ramen joint where she found Sasuke and Naruto.

Somewhere up the street, Gai was laying out all his troubles to his best friend…

Kakashi was the only person he could trust, the only one to acknowledge him as both a friend as a rival…

"…and then she …she…she just beat me up!"

Kakashi looked up from the latest Icha-icha paradise book then looked at Gai with a confused expression. Gai sniffed happily. His friend was probably carefully pondering the matter, confused at how _any_ woman would reject _him_…

"Gai! When did you get here?"

Yes…his confidante…his right hand man…his-

"Eh? I've been here complaining for about twenty minutes."

"Really? I _knew_ I heard something…"

"Oh Kakashi! You have such cool reactions to everything! I'm proud to be called your eternal-rival!"

"Oh…you're still here?"

"That's _exactly_ what I mean!"

Kakashi nodded absently.

"Kakashi, how do you get women? Help me!"

Kakashi sighed and lowered his book. "You want my help?"

"Yes! You don't seem charming and don't appear to have any social skills whatsoever! How do you get women?"

Kakashi seemed to think about it for a second then said, "I just show them myself."

"So I should be myself?"

"Er, maybe that's not such a good idea for you…let me show you…Stand back, this might get dangerous."

Kakashi walked over to a group of beautiful women, standing outside the flower shop.

Without preamble, he pulled down his mask.

He was suddenly on the ground struggling to keep the women off him. Using a replacement technique, he escaped and appeared by Gai's side, his mask back in place.

Gai stared. "Just what I'd expect from my rival."

The women had spotted him, and for some reason had brought some friends and…they were all carrying little boxes and…the boxes were open…

Kakashi peered.

Inside the boxes were…

**Oh poop.**

Wedding rings!

How the heck did they manage to get those in fifteen seconds? Did women just carry those things around?

They were running toward him now and Kakashi knew what he had to do.

It was the loudest smoke bomb in the history of all the hidden villages and the third mountain to the right collapsed.

Kakashi was then seen running down the street, leaving a trail of dust in his wake.

Kakashi zoomed down the street and, poor Lee- silly halfwit never learns-, he got run over _again_.

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**A/N: Short, I know. Think of it as a 'oneshort', hehe. Ok, lame joke but I had to do it! Don't judge me. **

**I won't say I had a sugar-high when writing this. It was really late at night-or was it really early in the morning- anyway, I was alittle disoriented and running low on chocolate.**

**R&R…I won't beg…**

**PLEASE…PLEASE REVIEW!!!**

**Ahem (picks dignity off floor and dusts it alittle)…uh…yeah. Thanks.**


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